Today was a interesting day. I felt led to go out with a church group and pass out invites to our Christmas Eve service in the afternoon. While doing this we were encouraged to pray and hear the Lord for anyone that was willing. There was some fruit from the outreach. One young woman, about 25, was struggling with her husband and had backsliden from God. I got a chance to pray with her and was able to give her some encouraging words that the Holy Spirit had given me. She cried and said she was going to come to the service but the day saw little else. It grieved my heart so much to see the hardness of people. We didn’t meet one person who didn’t profess Christ yet there was no gladness in them to see the Lord’s work. Many would say they went to church just to ward us off it seemed. As if attending a local church meant prayer could do nothing for them. The feeling I had wasn’t just this self righteous indignation. I honestly felt sorry for these poor people who seemed to believe that they didn’t need God; That a house, food on the table, and Netflix was all they needed. I feel so weak that a little dry ground discourages me so much but perhaps the Lord let me feel this sorrow for a purpose.
In addition to the outreach another outward thing that discouraged me today was a men’s breakfast I attended early this morning before the outreach. Now, the breakfast was great and there were alot of great men whom I respect present. But for some reason a conversation greatly troubled me during the meeting. There were two men talking about t.v. shows after the meeting as we were just standing around fellowshiping. Normally this wouldn’t have bothered me so much but one of the men, while describing one of his favorite shows, just beamed with excitement. The show was a particularly raunchy show that I’d heard about. Again, I didn’t burn with anger but sunk with sorrow. This wasn’t the locker room at the gym but the house of God. These men weren’t the heathen, they were the saved. Yet not 10 minutes after a meeting meant to encourage and grow men to leadership in Christ all they could find to talk about is a raunchy television show! It left me thinking who we Christians really are. To be honest I’ve been feeling quite lonely, like no one really feels as I do.
I know the Lord is taking me somewhere and I trust Him but the more I give into His plan the more I feel isolated. All my brothers in Christ seem to genuinely love God but few, if any, desire to love Him wholly. They all seem to have a tempered expectation on how infatuated we should be with God. But I feel like God has just caught me on fire and I can’t put Him out. He just consumes my thoughts and all my desires. He is always speaking to me, calling me closer to Him. It’s frightening, tormenting even, to my flesh.
I know what I need do but I ask you to pray for me in this endeavor and, if led, encourage me on walking the narrow road. I don’t proclaim myself special and certainly have my faults but what is birthing in me is a deep abiding desire to have all of God and for God to have all of me.